broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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