I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
