last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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