Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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