Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just want to make out with him forever
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
