He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize