Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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