Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
