I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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