fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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