just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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