Can i not drive my cunt home
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
