At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
