not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
