dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
