what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
