dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
