I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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