She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
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He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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