So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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