I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
