why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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