I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
