I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
