Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
