All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
