so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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