I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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