I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
BRING THE BAGELS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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