Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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