kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
