im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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