Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
