If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
