i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
