Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
