Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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