I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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