I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
