Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
