i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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