I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This house was built for laser tag.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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