Moan for me like Helen Keller
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
