ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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