nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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