took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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