the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
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What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i think i just lost a toe
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer