I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.