He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
