shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
