Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
