captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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