The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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