im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
