Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
