I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
