my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
