WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
