you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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