Just cropdusted the office
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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