6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize