I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
