i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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