I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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