Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
